Are Hair Goals A Thing?

by Colonel Steve Akley


Admittedly, dudes hanging out with dudes on a "Guys Night Out" is by no means an emotional support group. Still, when Andrew Wiehebrink came strolling into the Bourbons Bistro recently for an evening out with myself, Bourbons Bistro owner Jason Brauner and Jeremy Schell, we may have been a little harsh.

I hadn't seen Andrew in a while and when he came walking in with this pile of his newly grown "Flock of Seagulls" hair, I blurted out, "What the F--- is wrong with your hair."

Then, the rough comments really started.

A cool cat, Wiehebrink just took all of the abuse, then calmly stated, "I'm letting it grow out until I go to Vegas in June, then I'll cut it off."

Now, I don't know if in reality, we really don't care all that much because we are guys, or, if we had too much bourbon already, but that ended the verbal barrage. We just all kind of nodded our heads and were like, "Oh, yeah. Alright. That makes sense."

As I think back to that now, it really didn't make any sense. At all.

"I'm letting it grow out until I go to Vegas?"


So you have a puffy pillow of hair to land on in case you pass out from too many watered-down free cocktails?

While he's on the trip is he planning for trying out for the latest Las Vegas show, Joseph and the TechniColor Hairpiece?

It just made no sense.

As I examined this statement, perhaps I think I was overthinking it. I believe now that the man simply had a hair goal. It's like if you are saving for a new bike when you are a kid... you conceptualize a goal... you set a target date then you execute your plan.

Andrew simply wanted to grow his hair out as long as he can until Vegas. He knows he's looking bad, but, it's hair. The fix is easy... a good haircut. A normal haircut doesn't typically give you a whole lot of praise... maybe, "Did you get a haircut?" but that's about it. 

Andrew definitely has something more grandiose figured out... if you spend your winter and spring dedicated to recreating the best of Nick Nolte's mugshots with your hair... when you do get that post-Vegas haircut, you are going to look pretty damn good. I think this is not only a tactical plan... I gotta say, it's a pretty damn good one.

This got me to thinking about my own hair goals. Sure, I'm not blessed with the genetics of a Chia Pet like head of hair like my buddy Wiehebrink, but I do have the beard. I've just been letting it haphazardly grow out... but what if I developed a plan?


Do I set a goal to get it to a certain length? It's five inches beyond my chin right now. Do I shoot for a foot?

Do I set a date? Like I'm going to Pensacola Beach in August. Shaving the beard way back right before that trip could ensure I don't get a family of crustaceans living in there. 

I don't know, but Andrew definitely has me thinking.

Stay tuned!